News from the war zone

... and now over to our civil war correspondent Herbie Neil at the battle front.

"Yes, here we are very close to the front line where tensions are running high in preparation for the mother of all battles at Cropredy Bridge.  Earlier today we undertook the perilous ten minute journey from Cropredy marina to our bunker  in the sunken cutting between the two canal bridges.  Peering over parapet we can see the tents of the army supporters and hear their cries as they surge into the Brasenose Arms to fortify their spirits for the battle ahead.  The medical units are bracing themselves for an influx of bedraggled troops in the morning seeking help for their self inflicted hangovers.

"We are reliably informed by the army commanders that the first attacks will take place in early afternoon on Saturday.  Rumours abound however that the action may be somewhat overdue because although June 29th is the right date, the real first wave of attacks in the battle of Cropredy Bridge happened a little while ago.  375 years ago to be exact.  It is not clear who the opponents are because they all appear to be members of the Sealed Knot so in effect they are fighting their own people.  I suppose that's the essence of civil war really.

"Meanwhile the village is swarming with historians arguing about what really went on and who won.  Who was it who said that in times of war, truth is the first casualty?  I understand there may be doubts about the rumour that the Royalist cavaliers are to be led by Lord Boris of Henley and the Parliamentarian roundheads by Sir Jeremy of the Hunt.  All may be revealed tomorrow as I don my flak jacket and enter the field of battle, notebook and camera in hand.  Pullitzer prize here I come.

Stay tuned."

P.S. The first casualty of the skirmish has already occured.  A communications blackout has been imposed on my assistant Herbie Kath who dropped her iphone in the canal.  Those of a scientific bent may be interested to know that iphones appear not to be magnetic as prolonged dipping of our Sea Searcher magnet failed to locate the device.  There's never a frogman when you need one is there?