This graph shows the percentage full levels of canal reservoirs in a number of popular cruising areas, and as you can see things are broadly holding up well thanks to the efforts of the British Boating Public who in these difficult times have responded magnificently by not doing any boating. Sadly (puts on serious face) there has been a decline in the Leeds and Liverpool area due to a number of factors which our scientists are looking into. Fortunately I believe that's somewhere up North so it doesn't really matter.
Can I have the next slide please?
This shows the number of Boaters broken down by age and sex as a result of being locked down for three months and is broadly in line with expectations.
Can I have the last slide please?
This is a special commissioned Pie Chart showing the number of Fray Bentos Steak Pies (often referred to as Boaters Pies) consumed by the boating community. You can see that after a sudden fall as boaters returned ashore in the early part of the epidemic, there has been a welcome recent increase as people isolated at home resorted to raiding their store cupboard for anything to eat.
Now we move on to questions from members of the public and the press, starting with Roger from London. Roger.
"Thank you minister. With the canals full of water and the beautiful April and May weather why didn't the Government arrange for the Coronavirus to come last December when it was too wet and everything was on red boards? We could have got all this over when boating was impossible and been out enjoying ourselves. "
Well Roger, thank you for that incredibly important question. I totally understand as I have actually watched half an episode of Tim and Pru myself. Um, and now onto our next question which comes from Jim in Braunston. Jim.
"Thank you your worsjhip. If the two metre rule is moved down to one or one and a half metres, where does that leave us boaters with narrowboats that are two metres wide? Will we have to saw them in half.?"
Well Jim thank your for that vitally important and wonderful question. I absolutely get it, and what I can tell you is that we will at all times be guided by the science. (and Dominic Cummins). And onto our last question which comes from Maisie from Stoke Bruerne (is that a place?) . Maisie.
"Thank you your holiness. Is it alright if I take my boat through Blisworth tunnel to test my eyesight?"
Well Maisie thank you for your stunningly vital and significant question. Blisworth tunnel is something we've been looking into but unfortunately it is very dark in there and we need more time to carry out investigations. Although this particular tunnel is a lot more than two metres wide, I'm told that many are a lot narrower and so we don't want to set a precedent. So for the time being I'm afraid we''l have to wait until our world beating tunnel navigation app is ready.
And that concludes today's canal lockdown briefing. Remember: Stay Ashore, Keep paying your licence and save the CRT. Thank you.
7 comments:
That is brilliant!
Think you have been watching too many No.10 briefings Neil. I can imagine you talk this way at home every evening after 6pm - as most of us now do. Think it might be called an obsession and a reason to visit the doctor, as there must be tablets to cure it.
Thanks for the laugh! :) :)
Seriously, thanks for blogging. I was going to do one from ashore, I really must try and do it soon - though if we owners who live too far away for a day visit are allowed back on board soon ..... fingers crossed.
Very amusing. Loving the none answers. Here's hoping you'll be back out on the cut soon.
Oh my goodness brilliant post my eyes are streaming with laughter!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Haha, very good, Neil. i loved the Fray Bentos slide. Clear stats those :)
Post a Comment