Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Job description for a boat plumber /mechanic

I’ve just been doing one of my unfavourite jobs at home.  Clearing out the gunge traps under the sinks and washbasins.  The worst is the bathroom washbasin where the necessary bits are hidden behind a ceramic pedestal.  It’s so hard to get at even though the pedestal can move a bit.  I couldn’t help thinking about so many jobs on the boat which ought to be easy, but take ages of cursing and aching fingers and stiff necks to accomplish.

Had the money I would have a permanent handyman on tap to free me from these miseries.  Here is my proposed brief Job description.

Principal duties

Removing and repairing or replacing parts from engines, plumbing, electrical apparatus etc.  in the employers home, his car, and aboard his narrowboat.

Qualifications and Experience

No essential formal qualifications, but experience of keyhole surgery performed upside down in a small dark cupboard desirable.  Preference will be given to candidates who have trained and worked as a contortionist.

Required physical attributes

The successful candidate be able to work blindfold inside a 2ft cube, but possess the reach of a basketball defender.  Must be able to apply a torque of 20 Newton Meters to a greasy plastic nut using fingertips only -  preferably behind his /her back while his/ her forehead is pressed against a hot copper pipe.  The ability to see round corners will be an advantage, as will the ability to assemble the parts of a clockwork wrist watch placed on a shelf two feet above the employee’s head. Must be able to perform complex tasks with strength and fine dexterity with frozen fingers whilst oily water is dripped into his/ her eyes.  The ability to swim may prove valuable from time to time.

Working hours

This is a part time job, but the employee must be available at any time day or night.

Any volunteers?

4 comments:

Captain Ahab said...

Cleaning out the p traps - have you used the acid you can buy at real plumbers merchants? Wicked stuff but dissolves all organic natter.

Chris Thorn said...

There are tears of laughter on the report I was reading when I took a break to catch up with narrowboating blogs. The job description is so spot on. My wife and have gotten hooked over the 8 weeks we've been able to spend on the canals over the past 3 years. I've had enough time inside a 2' cube in the 3 different hire boats we've had to get a wonderful mental image of the work you describe. Keep up the good work

Halfie said...

Brilliant!

Halfie said...

Oh - and I'm not volunteering.